Judgement day: Local bartenders share what they're really thinking about when you order that drink

by Heather Bouzan, 01-25-2008

Call us “mean girls,” call us Simon Cowell, call us US Weekly — we can’t help it; we love to judge. Whether it’s the size of a trust fund, the desirability of a street address, or the thickness of a midsection, we find ourselves constantly (and a smidge wickedly) cooking up preconceptions about people based on superficial details. And we’re not the only ones. We asked six local bartenders to share the snap judgments they make based on the drink orders they take. What are they really thinking when you sheepishly order the pink concoction that you love so dearly? Read on.

Cosmopolitan
Daniel Motsinger, Radius (8 High Street, Boston, 617.426.1234): “Simple-drinking, very easy, needs something refreshing.”
Jason Zahlaway, Middlesex Lounge (315 Mass Ave, Cambridge, 617.868.6739): “Well, first of all, most likely a female, due to the color of the drink. Usually a person who orders a Cosmopolitan is put together quite well as far as their outfit goes. Someone who’s dressed sloppily isn’t going to order a Cosmo, but someone who is wearing something nice — it’s a good complement to the whole ensemble.”
Sara Armour, Pour House (907 Boylston Street, Boston, 617.236.1767): “I would say that you don’t know any other fruity drink. That person is definitely a girl, and she doesn’t really care that it’s going to take us a while to make it.”
Michael Ahearn, Stella (1525 Washington Street, Boston, 617.247.7747): “Usually classic, doesn’t take any chances. Usually a lady of a certain age.”
Patrick Sullivan, B-Side Lounge (92 Hampshire Street, Cambridge, 617.354.0766): “I didn’t realize it was ladies’ night. Honestly, what I think is, this person watches too much TV.”
Gabriel Foster, Davio’s (75 Arlington Street, Boston, 617.357.4810): “Unoriginal. Try something new.”
Trina Sturm, bartender at City Bar (61 Exeter Street, Boston, 617.933.4800) and the Beehive (541 Tremont Street, Boston, 617.423.0069): “Definitely a woman; most guys don’t order pink drinks. If they do, I think it’s without their knowledge. I think I would have to say that they’re in a rut, and they haven’t really moved on.”

Gin & Tonic
DM: “Gin & Tonic is for the long-going drinker who doesn’t want to overdo it too quickly.”
JZ: “Usually it’s a guy who’s going to order a Gin & Tonic, from my experience. Well, 75 percent of the time. Someone who’s reliable. Someone who’s traditional, classic. Knows what they want, doesn’t follow the trends.”
SA: “Gin & Tonic means that that’s what you saw your mother drinking growing up, and so you’re drinking that, because it’s all you really know.”
MA: “Gin & Tonic is usually, I would say, 30-something male. Usually the straight male. A guy’s guy.”
PS: “Genius. Forward-thinker. Gin makes you smarter — it’s a scientific fact.”
GF: “I would try to introduce them to Hendrick’s gin, because Hendrick’s gin is delicious. It’s flavored with cucumbers and rose petals, and if they’ve never tried it, they’re probably going to love it, especially in the summer. [Personality-wise], normal nine-to-fiver. Normal, in a good way.”
TS: “Probably somebody who just knows what they like and they have their staple. Unless they’re more specific. If they’re ordering a Plymouth and tonic or a Hendrick’s and tonic, I’d say maybe they’re a little bit more adventurous and still like their staple but maybe want to try something [new].”

Negroni
DM: “A Negroni is for a purist, a drinker who loves big flavor in a cocktail.”
JZ: “Usually someone who’s well-traveled, because it’s more of a traditional Italian drink. Obviously, if you go to most parts of the country, I don’t think people are going to be ordering Negronis. Here in Boston, it makes sense because of our closeness to Europe and a lot of the international people who live here.”
SA: “I don’t even know what a Negroni is. It’s a drink that you like saying, just because you like saying the name. It says that you just want to be a clown; you’re a comedian.”
MA: “Very rarely do I get an order for a Negroni, and there are two types of people that order it: either people over 70, or young gay men.”
PS: “We will not have a problem with this person — that’s the first thing that comes to my mind. This is a seasoned veteran of the bar.”
GF: “Not afraid to drink. It would usually be a man. If they had never tried a Negroni, because we have one on our signature list, they’re probably not going to like it. Campari’s pink, and it looks like it’s sweet, but it actually tastes like soil.”
TS: “They know what they want, especially if they’re telling me to stir it. If they’re telling me specifically how to make their Negroni, I know that they are an experienced drinker. They know what they want, and they’re not out to just get drunk. They’re out to actually enjoy their cocktail.”

Caipirinha
DM: “Someone who just wants to order something difficult to watch you do your work.”
JZ: “We [in Boston] have the largest population of Brazilians in the United States. It’s like, people who order them are basically starting to get turned on to Brazilian food and Brazilian culture, and that’s directly related to all the stuff that’s popping up around Boston. They’re excited when they order it; they get a kick out of it. So, someone who is curious.”
SA: “It means that, again, you don’t really care if it takes us time to muddle that; you will wait. And you’re feeling sort of ethnic, sort of Brazilian that day.”
MA: “Typically, you get the Brazilians who come in and tell you, ‘That’s not a Caipirinha,’ no matter how you make it. It’s kind of like giving an Italian someone else’s gravy — not as good as their mother’s. I feel like it’s a very sexy drink, and it’s somebody who can handle their liquor, because those things will definitely, definitely take you down.”
PS: “Tourist. That’s the first thing. This is one of those drinks people don’t like to drink as much as they like ordering the drink. They like to say the word ‘Caipirinha.’ This is like the mojito; I like to hear the way people say ‘mojito.’ It’s great laughs behind the bar. The Caipirinha and the mojito, as the number of drinks grows, the attitude ... by the end of it, you think that you’re watching someone in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, the way they snarl their face. It’s true.”
GF: “Caipirinha’s simply Euro. They’re probably from Brazil or Spain. They probably like to party.”
TS: “They’ve either never had it before and it sounds good to them, or they’ve had it before and they like that bite. I definitely think it’s someone who has tried quite a few other drinks in their past, because it’s not something that you come across. Caipirinha, it’s like the mojito was five years ago; nobody really knew about it, and now it’s one of the number-one drinks out there. A Caipirinha’s kind of the same way. Once you start ordering it and you order it with authority, I think you know what you’re doing and you know what you’re getting.”

Martini
DM: “Straight-up martini is just as classic as you can get. And you need one; you just need it.”
JZ: “It’s going to fall very much along the lines of the Gin & Tonic, since it’s a classic cocktail. The person who’s going to order a martini is usually a straight shooter. Their tastes aren’t very complicated, yet you find with people who order martinis, they are particular about what type of martini they’re going to get. I consider those people to be knowledgeable. Either you love them or you hate them.”
SA: “I would say that you have a high tolerance for pain. You could probably go to a business meeting afterward and be totally, appropriately drunk.”
MA: “I don’t think it gets more classic than that. I know that’s what I drink. I like just a simple, ‘Give me booze in a glass, and skip the vermouth.’ I would say
it’s somebody who likes a classic drink, doesn’t like to fool around, straight to the point — ‘Just give me my booze.’ ”
PS: “It depends. Anyone who asks for a martini list makes me shudder. Anyone who asks for a martini, I used to be okay with. Now I’m nervous. Because of vodka martinis, martini drinkers make me nervous. That’s the overall impression, a feeling that I get. First of all, vodka drinkers make me nervous. Vodka drinkers are always trouble; that’s the truth. Gin martini [drinkers], these people are the salt of the earth, pillars of the community.”
GF: “I would just ask you if it’s gin or vodka. Gin martini, they’re pretty serious about their cocktail, so they like to make it count. And vodka, they’re like gin-martini rookies.”
TS: “[Gin martini drinkers], they’re really, really enjoying their cocktail. I appreciate them so much. It’s not about the glass for them; it’s about the cocktail — that perfect balance between dry vermouth and the perfect gin of their choice. A gin martini drinker will never come up to you and say, ‘I want a martini.’ They want a specific brand of gin, they want it slightly dry. It’s very, very specific for them.”

French 75
DM: “French 75 is a very classic drinker, but one who likes a lot of fun in their cocktails.”
JZ: “A joyful person. Someone who’s not afraid to treat themselves, or pamper themselves.”
SA: “I would say that that person is out for a good night, and really knows their drinks. Someone who’s definitely bartended before, for sure.”
MA: “It’s more of an upscale drink. It’s usually someone who goes to the finer restaurants. Not to say we’re not a great restaurant, but we don’t really get that clientele. It’s kind of the person who’d be likely to order a Champagne cocktail, but wants it a little fortified, perhaps. I would definitely say it’s the more upscale clientele.”
PS: “If someone specifies that they want their French 75 made with gin, this person is the gold-star winner. They’re in the exclusive club of cocktailers. First of all, any drink made with Champagne is awesome, so this is a person who knows how to drink. And if they sit down and they specify, ‘Can I please have my French 75 with gin?’ then this person gets a high-five. [If a customer requests it made with brandy], I don’t know about that. I’m a gin guy. Gin makes you smarter. Why anyone would want brandy over gin is beyond me.”
GF: “A simply sophisticated woman.”
TS: “One of my favorite drinks. When someone orders that drink and they know what they’re getting, I just think that they want something balanced, they want something that’s refreshing, they want something that’s obviously classic. Thank you for being experienced enough to know a good cocktail that’s not overly strong, that’s just completely refreshing, and it’s completely balanced. They’re probably a balanced person themselves.”

Manhattan
DM: “Manhattan is for a patriarch.”
JZ: “Ah, Manhattan. Classic gentleman’s drink. Although ladies are more than welcome. A special tip of the hat to any female who orders a Manhattan. She has a steely personality. Steely, yet very attractive.”
SA: “I would say, someone who’s like 85 or above, channeling their grandparents. Just sort of like an old lady drink.”
MA: “Somebody after my own heart. I rarely serve Manhattans to women, unless they’re older women; I don’t think I’ve ever served a Manhattan to a young lady. Usually it’s a guy. It’s, again, a guy’s guy who wants his Manhattan — and don’t forget the bitters.”
PS: “Gentleman. Manhattan’s the greatest cocktail ever invented. The Manhattan is the drink, man. It’s like, say no more. At the B-Side, we make awesome Manhattans. This is why you’re drinking, is to get to this drink. But the martini and the Manhattan, I like you for the first one or two, but then I’m looking to call you a cab. Because no one can have more than one or two of these drinks; I don’t care who you are. It just turns south in a hurry.”
GF: “Old-school. [But] a woman who orders a Manhattan is, like, wow. It’s always shocking when a woman orders a Manhattan, because it’s a man’s drink. It’s just almost always men who order them. It’s kind of a tough-guy drink; it’s straight whiskey, more or less.”
TS: “That’s my drink of choice. I have an appreciation for any woman who orders brown liquor. And if it’s a guy, kudos. Again, an experienced cocktail drinker is going to want to be specific about it. If you are ordering a Manhattan, you’re pretty specific about it as well. You know what type of rye or bourbon or whatnot that you want in there. You say your brand, you say how you want it served, whether it’s straight-up or not, you tell me the garnish that you want on it, bitters or no bitters. Most people really are very specific about it. And if you order that, I’m going to make it with so much love, you’re going to just keep coming back for more.”

Shot of whiskey
DM: “A shot of whiskey is for someone who really had a bad day and is likely to order another one.”
JZ: “My type of person. All business. I think someone who’s not afraid to get their hands dirty. In my estimation, if they’re willing to swallow whiskey ... . After a hard day’s work, it’s nice to have a shot of whiskey, as far as I’m concerned.”
SA: “A shot of whiskey means that you’re a dude, and you want everyone to know that you’re a dude.”
MA: “If we’re talking about whiskey or single-malt scotch, it’s usually a gentleman, probably over 40, usually has a bit of money, especially if he’s ordering the single-malts. Usually a businessman.”
PS: “If it’s a man ordering whiskey, it’s very polished. Someone orders a glass of whiskey, I don’t have to worry too much about that person. If it’s a woman ordering a glass of whiskey, that’s extra, extra sexy.”
GF: “Older-school. Probably used to drink Manhattans, but now they just do a shot of whiskey. I think if they’re young, they’re trying to be a cowboy, but if they’re old, they’ve just been drinking whiskey for a long time.”
TS: “I’ve never had someone just come up to me and say, ‘Can I get a shot of whiskey?’ I’ve had people ask me for whiskey and whatever, whiskey and Coke or whiskey and soda, and I make them be more specific: ‘Do you want American whiskey, Canadian whisky? Do you want a blended?’ Whiskey’s a huge, huge category. So for me, a shot of whiskey is more of a conversation-starter than anything. I’m going to get them to be specific, and I’m going to want to know why they’re ordering a shot. And I think they’ve been probably been watching too many cowboy movies.”

Pisco Sour
DM: “Someone who I want to know.”
JZ: “Someone who is, for lack of a better word, trendy. Or someone who’s interested in the latest trends in drinks. And is an adventurous drinker.”
SA: “I’d say, ‘Christmas is over; order something without food in it.’ It says that you’re just getting beefed up. You’re just trying to drink some protein. It’s like a protein shake at the bar. Egg white is the most pure form of protein, and you’re aware of that at all times.”
MA: “The Pisco Sour is pretty much a Latin drink. It’s definitely somebody who’s either Latin or exposed or into Latin culture, because it’s so specific with the egg whites and the Pisco, and it’s pretty hard to find somebody who’s carrying Pisco. It’s usually someone who’s worldly, let’s say. Definitely somebody who’s been around, who’s traveled.”
PS: “My first thought is, put down your Food & Wine magazine and go out and do something. That’s my first thought. The Pisco Sour, this is one of those drinks that, this is a Food & Wine drink, and no one really drinks these.”
GF: “I would think that they’re presumptuous. We don’t make those here. I know they make those at Eastern Standard; maybe I would send them over there. Because I know they make fantastic Pisco Sours at Eastern Standard.”
TS: “When someone orders a Pisco Sour, I think that they’re into the cocktail scene, they kind of know what they’re talking about. And I’m hoping that they understand that it should have the egg white, and if you’re lucky enough to go to a bar that actually uses that, I hope they appreciate it. I hope they’re not thinking that, ‘Ooh, Pisco’s some weird liquor I’ve never heard of, but I know I like sours.’ I’m hoping that they understand what they’re getting, and that they have an appreciation for it.” @

[Photos by Ian Barnard}