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Why is it so hard for people to have a relationship and a social life? My friend asked for an annoying favor the other day. She wanted to know if I would take out the one other lesbian she knows, because the woman is going through a bad breakup and has...
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Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of emails about things like medical conditions and relationship struggles. I am not a doctor, a therapist, or a “sexpert,” though I could probably use the services of all three. But I will do something rare in this month...
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A few weeks ago, I got a scathing phone call from an ex. My offense this time? I wasn’t around to rub lotion on her back. “You are never there when I need you!” she howled. From lube to Lubriderm in such a short time, with so many feelings crushed along...
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IT'S NOT EVERY evening that I find myself shopping for sperm on the Internet, though I suppose it's somewhat of an occupational hazard. I was amazed to find the process very similar to that of many online dating sites, with its lists of people's...
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I AM NOT a promise-maker. But here’s one I intend to keep: never will I attend another sex-toy party as long as blood continues to pump to my pink parts. I don’t care if it’s being thrown by Parker Posey on a Caribbean island and the dress code is string...
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I LOVE pissing off lesbians. The capital-letter fury of their responses never fails to entertain me. From irate lesbians to bi-curious co-workers to sensitive gents, this last batch of letters brought out all the colors of the rainbow. (Letters have been...
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SAN FRANCISCO — Joel Plata parades down the runway in a white chef’s uniform, looking like the Spanish incarnation of a certain South Park character. With feigned seductiveness, he removes his coat, revealing a necklace of raw sausage links. Then, BAM...
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DRIVING CROSS-country gives you a lot of time to think. You can put miles between you and any insignificant relationship woes. You can master the state capitals. You can become acquainted with the history of "meat showers" in some of our finer...
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I'VE SPENT many a night with a certain pal of mine, scoping women in bars and bitching about relationship woes. But while complaining about my trivial challenges, I sometimes forget how much more difficult it is for him, a disabled man in the dating...
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THE FIRST thing that alarms me is the facial hair, dragging across my chin like an enraged porcupine. Then I feel large, rough hands cupped around my face. Then the musky aroma creeps up and stings my nose. Holy absence of labia minora! I'm with a...
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HAD I KNOWN everyone out there loathes the idea of childbearing and rearing as much as I do, I would've written my manifesto much sooner ("Rotten Eggs: Pondering Procreation," September 25, 2007). Stay tuned for reasons 11 through 347 in...
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SIGN HERE. Take a name tag. You're number 41. Now print your number on this envelope. Decorate the envelope with the supplies in the other room. Hang your envelope on the wall over there. Then people can leave you messages. Yay! Have fun! This is...
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AWKWARD family interactions. Gift-buying inferiority complexes. Office-party hangovers complete with lingering images of your naked co-worker. The holidays are here, people - and what better way to prepare than by taking this holiday sex quiz to gauge...
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MY MOTHER called the other day and excitedly announced that she was about to conduct that annual holiday tradition, "picking names." The ritual involves my mother, scraps of paper, and her gleeful assigning of gift-buying duties. "I was...
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A WHILE BACK, I began this "On the Couch" interview series with people willing to reveal intriguing or unique aspects of their sexual lives. I suspended it for some time after freaking out one unsuspecting subject. But I revive it now with a...
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