On the couch ... with three straight shooters from the sperm bank

by Jeannie Greeley, 05-05-2008

IT'S NOT EVERY evening that I find myself shopping for sperm on the Internet, though I suppose it's somewhat of an occupational hazard. I was amazed to find the process very similar to that of many online dating sites, with its lists of people's hobbies and aesthetic specifications. It got me curious about the people behind all this biological matchmaking, so I called up New England Cryogenic, a local sperm bank, and found three women responsible for handling and selling the little loads of life.

Q: What is it that you all do?

Amy Blanchard: I am a lab technician. I do the processing of the actual specimens, and I draw blood and do paperwork.

Erin Heffernan: I'm the client coordinator. I schedule appointments for the donors and the bankers.

Maureen Burke: I am the sales manager, meaning basically I oversee selling the product.

Q: How do men react when you tell them what you do?

AB: I get either [a] really surprised [reaction] and they have a million different questions, or they're like, "Okay," and they want nothing to do with it.

EH: I usually get a blank stare and then an awkward silence ... or a ton of questions. And they all want to know how to become a donor.

Q: Maureen, how do women react?

MB: They think it's pretty cool - a lesbo working at a sperm bank!

Q: What do you pay the average donor?

AB: It's $85 for a passing visit. The industry has standards for concentration. So you have to have so many live sperm per vial to get a "passing specimen." If the gentleman goes out the night before and has a little bit of fun, his specimen might not be of good quality the next day. We generally recommend that our guys have three days of abstinence before each visit.

Q: What type of materials do you offer to help donors get the deed done?

AB: Our waiting room is pretty standard because we get a lot of wives who will come in and wait for their husbands. In the room itself we do provide videos and magazines. We have quite the selection.

EH: We have at least 10 magazines in every room.

Q: What type of magazines do you carry?

AB: We have Playboy, Fox, Lollipops, Penthouse. We have several different videos. I think our favorite name is The Italians are Coming. It gets worse from there. We're trying to get new material right now.

EH: Adam & Eve: Hottest Rated Video Collection. Flesh Hunter. Sex III: Let's Party. The other ones are running right now.

Q: Are there materials that are more popular than others?

AB: Certain donors have preferences. Certain donors are very, very open with us, almost to the point where we kind of ask them to stop.

EH: We had a gentleman come out for an appointment and I went to clean the room afterward and discovered there was a very obvious space in our magazine rack. [He] had made off with a magazine on the way out. We saved him the embarrassment [of contacting him], and we don't want it back.

Q: What is the quickest you've ever seen someone produce a sample?

AB: We actually keep a time log just to see how our day went, and to know what to expect the next time the guy comes in. We had one guy who was never really more than five minutes. I think his quickest was about three minutes. We have some guys who consistently do half an hour.

Q: How many times can a person donate?

AB: We ask them for 40 passing visits. Along the way, the guys will have a couple of failing specimens. For the average donor, we see them about 60 visits. We usually say that to get the 40 passing, it'll take about a year, but that's if you're fairly consistent.

Q: So that could be some serious money.

AB: It is, actually. If you pass your specimen, it's $85 for about 15 minutes of work. So $85 times four - you're making about $340 an hour.

Q: What characteristics might cause you to reject a donor?

AB: There is a general height requirement that's not strictly enforced. You do have to have a college education. Other than that, we have a wide variety of donors. We have fairly short, medium, tall, very skinny, medium build, to the heavier side. We've got blondes, brunettes, redheads, freckles, dimples, glasses, no glasses, all sorts of ethnic backgrounds.

Q: What about an age restriction?

AB: You do have to be 18. We also cut off at the age at 38. Generally, the fertility community sees 40 as kind of the cutoff point for fertility treatments.

Q: Does the quality of sperm degrade over time?

AB: The quality does go down as you get older. Volume also goes down, and concentration goes down as you get older.

Q: Do you ever develop a fondness for certain donors?

AB: We do have our favorites. I'm not going to lie. We actually make fun of ourselves and we call them our "boyfriends."

Q: Do a lot of guys have difficulty producing?

AB: It's really not that uncommon, especially for the first-time visit. It's very awkward for these guys. Because they don't have to aim most of the time, sometimes they'll come out and say they didn't quite get it all in the cup, which is also fairly common. If you're not used to having to direct it, you're not ready for it.

Q: What is the craziest request you've heard from a recipient seeking a donor?

MB: The craziest request from a recipient was that she was looking for a Jesus Christ look-alike donor with a big penis.

AB: We might have somebody like that!

MB: I told her I had no first-hand knowledge on the penis situation.

Q: There are some pretty weird questions on the donor application - like favorite ice cream flavor and favorite show as a kid. What interests or hobbies have you seen cause a recipient to lose interest in a potential donor?

MB: Everybody wants different things. Those questions are usually the makers or breakers. I've had people totally discounted because of the donor's favorite movie.

Q: What was the movie?

MB: I think it was Blue Velvet.

Q: What is the most popular hair/eye color combination sought by recipients?

MB: I would have to say blonde/blue.

Q: What advice do you have for people thinking about becoming sperm donors?

MB: I want them to think long and hard, particularly if they're a donor who has agreed to let their identity be known. Think about what it's going to be like 20 years down the road when the phone starts to ring. There are consequences. I mean, the money's good, but it is a huge commitment. @

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who's not banking on needing this service any time soon. If you want to get On the Couch, e-mail her at jeannieg@comcast.net.

> more in Sex