In The Sack: Sock It To Me, Muthafuckinpissedofflady, and more

by Jeannie Greeley, 04-07-2008

I LOVE pissing off lesbians. The capital-letter fury of their responses never fails to entertain me. From irate lesbians to bi-curious co-workers to sensitive gents, this last batch of letters brought out all the colors of the rainbow. (Letters have been edited for brevity, and to protect the identity of mad crafters. And by "mad," I mean licking-the-walls crazy.)

 

You described, to the letter, a trainwreck of a party I attended ["Demented and sad, but social," 1.15.08]. I should have known it was going to be an "interesting" party when we arrived and realized there was no music and that there was an entire area of the party devoted to decoupaging one's envelope, and the lesbians were crafting it up HARDCORE. The really pivotal point for me was when I was in line for the bathroom and overheard a conversation. Two women were talking in front of me about "some class" and I piped up, "Oh, what class, you guys?" I was quickly given a once-over and told, "Oh, it's for this sock-puppet-making class I teach." You very accurately described the tone of that "party." Sadly, no one went out of their way to talk to me, and I remained sad about the state of lesbian social and single life.

Sock It To Me

Dear Sock It To Me,

"Really, now. Do you have to go and get all up in the sock puppeteers' shit? You are a vile and insensitive person whose sarcasm is wasted on us! Here we are, trying to have a little fun by putting things on our hands that belong on our feet and speaking in high-pitched voices, and you have to rain on our parade because you feel inferior? How many adults have you entertained with a sweat sock? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought." There. That was my best angry-lesbian impression. How'd I do?

 

You know, if the singles event wasn't your thing, fine. But don't fucking go and write this shit, dissing all over the people who work at planning these events (in this case, ME) and creating a community of wonderful, nice, friendly women. This is a community of volunteers, and it just gives us all that warm fuzzy feeling when you piss all over it in the media. [Lesbian organization] is built on FRIENDLY, and I fucking STEPPED UP and planned a party with two other women. You weren't the one stepping up, so don't think that your ideas or your party would be that fucking great. Maybe YOU would have had fun AND met people you liked IF you had gotten off your fucking self-righteous pedestal and actually joined the fun instead of fucking mocking and judging perfectly nice people. And, yes, for the record, you are a total bitch.

Muthafuckinpissedofflady

Dear Muthafuckinpissedofflady,

I have no goddamn idea why anyone would fucking think YOU gals were anything but totally fucking FRIENDLY. REALLY! Darling, I've planned plenty of parties. The only paint involved was the latex covering people's nipples. And when glitter and scissors were involved, so were my three-year-old nieces. Keep up the cordial crafting.

 

Just wanted to give a shout out in response to "Straight Shot: On Exploring the Opposite Gender" [2.12.08]. After 13 years of lesbian drama, I fell for a guy at work. "A harmless crush. It'll pass." But it didn't. I liked him. This went on for a few months. He went to visit his family, and on the way back, bought me a little box of chocolates. Uh oh. I called my ex-girlfriend. "If you're not serious, give him back the chocolate," she said. "I can't," I said. "I ate one." "Chocolate means something," she said. "He thought about you, and probably decided to get chocolate instead of something else." I didn't really question what any of this meant, but he did. I was happy to be temporary. Then one day, I said, "Let's go on a real date." So we did - an Ani DiFranco concert. I have no idea why. Ultimately, he was not strong enough for me. He dumped me. It sucked. I wrote a lot of bad French poetry. Things got complicated, then uncomplicated. Now we're coooool. Oh hey, you didn't write that six-word story, "Boyfriend in bed. Still a lesbian?" did you?

Bi-Curious Betty

Dear Bi-Curious Betty,

Please tell me you're no longer questioning your sexuality. Ani concert on a straight date. Too sensitive to do the dirty work of a breakup. Poetry. Drama. Now best friends. It reads like a Michelle Tea excerpt, minus the rubber gloves. And, no, that wasn't my six-word story. My submission was: "Underpaid writer. Ramen is cancerous? Fuck!"

 

I read your article "Straight Shot: On Exploring the Opposite Gender" in Stuff@night. I'm not sure how I would feel if I found out the girl was just going out with me as an "experiment" or as a form of "cleansing her palate." But maybe that's why, over the last couple of years, women whom I've had great dates with just disappeared. No return of my messages. Yeaaaaaa, that's it. . . they didn't call back because they were lesbians. It couldn't have been me. Anyway, it's no big deal . . . but maybe you should refrain from doing that anymore. It's not really fair.

Diplomatic Dude

Dear Diplomatic Dude,

You know what's not fair, buddy? Going Dutch on Every. Single. Tab! You know what's not fair? A beautiful woman with a rotted tooth. Girls who can't have orgasms because they're so doped up on antidepressants. Also not fair. I've dealt with my fair share of shit in the dating department, dude. I think I've earned the right to test the waters, thank you.

 

I am a straight guy and always enjoy your column. As you point out, your experience is not unusual. I once dated a lesbian for a summer and it was a great summer. Her sexual preference was not an issue. She was terrific, but we had to be careful around some of her friends. Unlike a lot of straight women I know, she was totally open in the bedroom. She once told me, "Hey, just ask. The only negative will be that I say no." I miss her to this day. Why shouldn't you enjoy male company from time to time if it makes you happy? Men are not crazy about this stuff, at least the open, well-educated, and intelligent ones. Live it up!

Side Dish

Dear Side Dish,

John, is that you? I think it is. Yeah, that summer was a blast. I learned a lot from you in the bedroom. Except that time with the zucchini and the toilet plunger! That was just way over the top, even for an experimental lesbian who almost believed you when you said all straight girls liked that. Thanks for your continued support. And as for your couched proposition of enjoying "male company from time to time," I accept. @

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who's even more confused after soliciting advice from her readers. You can get In The Sack by writing to jeannieg@comcast.net.

[Illustration by Corey Smigliani]

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