Yankee Candles, Naked Twister, and Genital Warts: A holiday sex quiz
AWKWARD family interactions.
Gift-buying inferiority complexes.
Office-party hangovers complete with lingering images of your naked co-worker. The holidays are here, people - and what better way to prepare than by taking this holiday sex quiz to gauge your interpersonal aptitude? For this special occasion, I've enlisted the help of Sureyya Moschella, a British statistician who holds several Guinness World Records. Well, it was something involving Guinness. I didn't really ask for a résumé.
1. You've been dating someone for two months. You want a gift that says, "I like you," but not that much. You give him/her:
X: vanilla-scented Yankee candles
M: a sheep, the Chinese symbol for Blaaaaah
A: a postcard from the Bangkok strip joint where you're celebrating the holidays
S: genital warts
2. It's the first time you're spending the holidays with your significant other's family, and you want to make a good impression. What do you bring?
X: boysenberry-scented Yankee candles
M: the jarred fetus of your dead twin brother
A: absinthe and a dime bag
S: Naked Twister: Southern Family Edition
3. You suspect that your partner is going to pop the question this Christmas. What do you do to try and completely change his/her impression of you?
X: stop shaving for a week
M: unveil your secret toenail-clip-art collection
A: don't call him or her until after the New Year
S: bring out the gimp
4. Spell that holiday that Jewish people celebrate.
X: Chanukah
M: Hanukkah
A: Heineken
S: Kibbutz
5. Your secret crush is playing Santa at the holiday party. What do you wish for when you sit down on his/her lap?
X: not sure. You're still in therapy from the last time you sat on "Santa's" lap
M: an end to poverty in Allston
A: that you were sitting on his/her face instead
S: a pearl necklace
6. Your partner wants you to bring one of Santa's reindeers to life in a sexual way. Which one do you choose, and how do you do it?
X: I refuse to think of reindeer in a sexual way
M: Comet all over them
A: this is a stupid question
S: Rudolph, by sticking a red nose in your red eye
7. You'd break up with your partner on the spot if he/she gave you what for Christmas?
X: a Yankee candle
M: a grainy black-and-white video of your conception
A: a $50 coupon toward gastric bypass surgery
S: syphilis
8. You haven't had sex in six months. The hottest person at your family holiday party turns out to be your cousin. How do you get him/her in the sack?
X: what kind of sick freak are you?
M: blindfold him/her and pretend you're his/her uncle
A: promise that what happens in Revere stays in Revere
S: brag of that recessive gene that means you can touch your tongue to your eyebrows
9. You're single this holiday season. What movie do you rent to cheer yourself up?
X: It's a Wonderful Life
M: Liberace: The Early Years
A: Saw III
S: Girls Gone Wild: The Kwanzaa Chronicles
10. You have a hunch that your boyfriend is gay. What presents do you buy him to gauge his homosexuality?
X: Celine Dion's Live in Las Vegas
M: Larry Craig's autobiography, Achieving the Perfect Stance: Prevent Your Life From Going Down the Toilet
A: a Christmas card that says "Are you fucking gay? Check one: Yes/ No."
S: a picture of your swollen anus with the words "PLEASE STOP" tattooed around it
11. Your partner's family insists on inviting his/her ex to functions. At these events, what pet name do you call your partner to show the ex who's boss?
X: "Sweetie"
M: "Pat, the moist elixir that runs through Brookline to my special mountainous place"
A: "Every Day and Twice on Sunday"
S: "Mister Fister"
12. You had nude photos done for your partner, and the gift tags got switched so it goes to your father. What is your father's reaction?
X: "I hope at least you're getting paid for this"
M: "Did they teach you nothing at Bunker Hill Community College?"
A: "Nice work with the Yankee candle!"
S: "Come to Daddy"
Score yourself as follows:
X = 1 point; M = 2 points; A = 3 points; S = 4 points.
Apple Pie: 12 to 20 points (minus 7 if you live in Brookline)
You bore me with your trite thoughts and over-reliance on candles in jars to get you through life. If you're lucky enough to have a partner, no doubt the two of you spend Sundays shopping at Brooks Brothers and perfecting the missionary position. And, no, oral sex does not involve removing plaque from your molars. Do something crazy this holiday season: skip your morning flax seed and invest in a nice vibrator.
Fruitcake: 21 to 30 points
Which prison are you reading this from? Jarred fetus? Conception video? Clearly you've got an obsession with necrophilia and wannafeelya. Unfortunately, you'll most likely be spending the holidays alone in a padded cell. However, we do like your sick sense of humor and are wondering if you accept conjugal visits.
Cousin Eddie: 31 to 45 points
While we envy your boldness and no-nonsense attitude, it's not likely to get you much action under the mistletoe. This season, take some of that Scotch tape that's everywhere and apply some to your mouth. Otherwise, the only package you'll be wrapping is your own.
Hot Toddy: 46 to 64 points
Put down the anal beads and pick up a copy of Ms. Moschella's best-selling self-help book, 69 Ways to Calm Your Sexual Beast Before the 12 Days of Christmas. Your libido is impressive (minus the STDs) but might not be the best way to win over Grandma. However, depending on whose left foot lands on green in that family game, you just might get the "twisted" match you're seeking this season. @
Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer whose holiday-quiz score is off the charts. She can be reached at jeannieg@comcast.net.
[Written by Jeannie Greeley and Sureyya Moschella]
[Illustration by Corey Smigliani]
Leave a Comment
(required)
(optional)
(required)
Most popular: