On the Couch: ... With the Other Woman
A WHILE BACK, I began this "On the Couch" interview series with people willing to reveal intriguing or unique aspects of their sexual lives. I suspended it for some time after freaking out one unsuspecting subject. But I revive it now with a friend who has had an on-and-off sexual affair with a married man for quite some time. Perhaps you've always wanted to pose these questions to the Other Woman.
Q: So how did you meet this guy?
A: I was living with my boyfriend outside of Boston and was unhappy. So I started searching people [on the Internet] for fun. And I started looking for guys who lived in Beverly Hills (apparently after too many reruns of 90120) and just randomly started chatting with him. He wasn't married then. [We didn't meet] until years later.
Q: So you kept in touch electronically for years? When did you finally meet?
A: I had broken up with my second boyfriend, and I was heartbroken. I was then living in Boston, and he had business in town. With the push of some of my girlfriends saying I needed to get laid and get over my boyfriend, I marched over to his hotel.
Q: Did he have a girlfriend then?
A: At this point he was married.
Q: So the first time you had sex with him, you knew he was married and that didn't bother you?
A: It did, because I knew it wasn't ... honest. And it was also a little sleazy. I definitely say I don't completely respect him, but I liked the freedom of fucking him. And I guess I kinda liked the sleaziness, too. And I was heartbroken.
Q: So you don't respect him for cheating on his wife. Do you respect yourself for sleeping with a married man?
A: I don't respect him for cheating on his wife. That is true. I respect myself. You can rationalize anything. I'm sure he does.
Q: So how do you rationalize it?
A: There have been two occasions where I said ‘No, no, no.' Those times I say no is because there is something in me that says ... no. I don't know why. I know it's not right.
Q: Do you think the allure of having sex with him would be as strong if he weren't married?
A: Hmm. It's weird, like, if he were single, I'm not sure it would be as easy. If he were single, I would be offended by him, I think.
Q: Offended by the way he treats you or by the way he behaves?
A: I am not the only woman he sleeps with other than his wife. But then again, how do you know that with anyone?
Q: True. Do you have any idea how many people he sleeps with? Does he admit certain things to you about his sex life?
A: Well, yes. He tells me about who, and when he has sex. He's into anal play and masochism. But we talk about it in more of a ‘boys in the locker room' way. I have no jealousy, more curious.
Q: If you know you're a nasty horn dog, why bother with the whole marriage thing? Why not just be a whore and be honest about it? (I'm talking about him.)
A: I know.
Q: You WHORE!
A: He has a very large penis, and his wife can't handle it.
Q: WHAT?! So they were sexually incompatible when they married?
A: He is extremely thick, like, I can't handle it. I am saying ‘Ow' when we have sex. He's porn-star big.
Q: So he basically told you his own wife can't handle his cock?
A: I think he has this dark fetish. And he married the woman he loves. After sex she has to soak in the bathtub.
Q: Yeah, because her husband is filthy!
A: I don't think she's giving it up often. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it on a regular basis.
Q: Have you ever seen pictures of her or know what she looks like?
A: I know her name and that she has red hair and that she works in fashion.
Q: She sounds hot. Do you think she'd date me? My penis is tiny.
A: Maybe. She's moving to [the same city] soon. And this thing ends then.
Q: How many people have you told about this affair? What are their responses?
A: Four people, maybe five. My [friend] the school teacher - appalled. Immediately assumed we were also doing drugs. He's never done drugs and never had an alcoholic drink in his life.
Q: No wonder he's fucking a dozen women at once. Get the man a drink, for Christ's sake!
A: He doesn't even have caffeine. He's a vegetarian. My God! He is a freak.
Q: So if you started sleeping with someone who was single, do you think you'd still have the urge to fuck this guy?
A: No way. And there is no urge. It's more like ... convenience.
Q: Have you ever slept with a married guy before? Someone's boyfriend?
A: Yes. I hate you.
Q: Why?
A: I have because I wanted to. I didn't really think too deeply. Oh my God. I'm a jerk. (My sister's ex-boyfriend.)
Q: WHAT?! That's terrible. I won't print that.
Q: What would you do if you were his wife and you found out about you?
A: I have no idea what it's like to be married.
Q: What about being cheated on?
A: It depends on their relationship. I've never been cheated on - that I know of. I'm not really the jealous type. I would be really hurt. Everyone has different views of marriage. It's easy to say "I would divorce him."
Q: So, if you know how you would feel, why would you put another woman in jeopardy of feeling that way?
A: If I knew he was fucking truckloads of women, yes, I would dump him. I'm not married to her. I didn't make that commitment. I've made no commitment to him, either. We are not in love. I really don't even care if he never wanted to see me again. I don't care if I ever see him again.
Q: Do you believe in this whole logic that women have a responsibility to one another, to respect one another's relationships?
A: I think that's a nice idea. But women treat each other horribly.
Q: And you're a perfect example, you WHORE! But seriously, you say women treat one another horribly, but aren't you just perpetuating that?
A: As I said, I didn't marry her. He did. He is the one that is disrespecting her. Would I be pissed at the woman for screwing him? No, I would be pissed at him.
Q: That's very easy to say. But Amy Fisher didn't shoot Joey Buttafuoco in the face; she shot his wife.
A: Well, if you have a guy who begs to stick his dick in your ass and you don't give it up, there's gonna be a problem.
Q: That's ridiculous! There are plenty of women who don't have anal sex with their husbands. Doesn't mean the guy is going to go hunting down 10 bitches who will.
A: I think they might. Men are different beasts. Look at Clinton.
Q: So you think it's merely certain sexual proclivities that drive people to cheat if their relationships are otherwise emotionally stable?
A: I think if you have an unsatisfactory sexual relationship, there is a big chance someone's gonna cheat. Everyone who I know who gets out of a relationship, it's due to the sex being bad.
Q: So how would you respond to women who think you're an evil homewrecker?
A: I think that they need to reevaluate things. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else. If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat. It's the type of person. I have never cheated on anyone, which makes me an angel. @
Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who wants to explore your sexual psyche. To get "On the Couch," e-mail her at jeannieg@comcast.net.
[Illustration by Corey Smigliani]
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