The joys of morning sex
Is there anything better than a hot gale of gnarly breath in the face to get you in the mood? How about smeared day-old makeup, or the stench of last night’s cigarettes and beer? Crusty eyes, anyone?
If these appalling images sound like a collection of the world’s greatest turn-offs, apparently you weren’t listening hard enough when Diana Ross crooned about being touched in the morning. Despite its decidedly less-than-sexy reputation, morning sex is a personal favorite of mine, and something I believe belongs in every person’s sexual repertoire.
“I’m on it like a fat kid on cake,” agrees one friend.
However, morning fornication goes against almost everything we envision when we think about sex: the soft lighting, the exploration of body parts in the dark, the uninhibited behavior fueled by alcohol and drugs. (Am I the only one drinking in the morning these days?) For women, it even seems to go against biology, as studies suggest that while men’s testosterone levels peak in the morning, a woman’s urges surge at night.
Conversely, with morning sex you’ve got the stark reality of your lover beside you: the sunlight magnifying every little flaw, makeup caked in the cracks of her skin, stale smells clogging the air between you. It is this last element — bad breath — that seems most likely to deter a morning-sex experience, according to many sources.
I find this hilarious. In the safety of darkness, you will ingest someone’s semen, place your tongue on his or her genitals, or probe orifices that you probably couldn’t stand the sight of. Yet release a gust of rotten air from that same mouth the next morning and suddenly you’re a pariah?
Clearly these sex snobs aren’t privy to the many benefits of morning sex. According to a few studies released earlier this year, a.m. coitus at least three times a week can decrease by half the risk of heart attack or stroke. Morning sex can help alleviate arthritis and migraines, and burn calories that help diminish the risk of diabetes. A morning romp can also make the hair shine and the skin glow by raising the output of estrogen and other hormones. With that help, you can skip the shower and spend the extra half-hour in bed.
Perhaps there’s something we can learn from birds. Hens were found to solicit sex in the morning to avoid sexual harassment in male-dominated groups of chickens and roosters. Slovenians use the slang term “rooster’s breakfast” to refer to early-morning sex. Actually, those tidbits aren’t very pertinent to this column at all. (Sorry, Google got the best of me.)
When I asked my lady pal what percentage of our intercourse occurs in the morning, I was stunned to hear her estimate of 85 percent. Her elegant explanation was also quite revealing: “Because you usually pass out at night, drunkie.” Realistically it has more to do with fatigue, and the general feeling that my body seems to lose sensation with the passing of every hour. Even more than that, however, is my general attempt to deviate as far as possible from the expected. Nighttime sex is the predictable norm that we’ve all come to know and anticipate. Morning sex is the complete opposite. It’s the unexpected hand that creeps slowly near your hipbone, silently asking for permission to head south. It’s a slow and pleasant rousing that makes you open your eyes out of desire instead of necessity. It’s the start of a day rather than its end. But most of all, it’s a mutual expression of comfort. If you can roll over toward someone with stench and bed head and still want to devour him or her, consider yourself lucky.
For those of you who blame trivialities like bad breath and eye boogies for your eschewing of morning sex, you’ve probably missed out on the pleasure of being with someone who wants you regardless of all that. I’d blame insecurity, or worse, arrogance, for that self-deprivation.
To me, it’s a breath of fresh air knowing that my sexual behavior could be scientifically helping my head and my heart (and your hard-ons). And there you are waking up on the wrong side of the bed, passing up sex over something that can be cured with a simple mint.
Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer whose morning wood comes in the form of a pencil. She can be reached at jeannieg@comcast.net.
